As I write this blog post a group of Vicki’s Sigma Kappa Sorority sisters have arrived at my home on the Chesapeake for what has become a traditional gathering there. These sorority sisters give new meaning to the power of a sisterhood. A good many of them still live in Raleigh and all attended N C State University, with a current enrollment of 27,000 undergraduates and 10,000 graduate students. When Vicki attended there were 13,000 students. She was Secretary of her class.
They are on zoom to support one another and get together whenever they are able to do so. They are there for one another in the good times and the bad times. They are all powerful strong women. When they are together there isn’t a moment of silence as verbal exchanges are the menu for the day and evening. I am able to appreciate what is going on with them because of Deborah Tannen, Linguistics Professor at Georgetown University, whose books and videos have been invaluable to me in helping students in Ethics Class as well. Gender studies are not welcome in Florida and in other ultraconservative colleges and universities. If only they knew that most ethical decisions come in the context of relationships. The more that you understand the nature of relationships, psychology, and human nature, the more likely you are to make informed decisions that help you and others.
I had a gender studies unit in the Ethics Class which the students found very helpful on their feedback evaluations on me and the course. It was eye opening for them and they agreed with Tannen’s research with laughter, smiles, and “so that is why…”
What Tannen discovered is that men can have the communication skills of a women and vice versa. For example, in my family of origin, my father was the emotional resource where my mother was more inclined to focus on facts and function. We see this when a child arrives home from school. A mother is inclined to ask “How are you today?” where the father may ask. “What did you do in school today?” Tannen also discovered that women form intimate relationships with others by communication. They like to talk things through and are open to dialogue and debate. Men, on the other hand, like closure. The more that the woman wants dialogue, the more the men want closure. It becomes a vicious cycle. Students weren’t bashful in Ethics Class. When I made this point, one of the girls who sat in the center of the room volunteered, “That’s happening to me right now!”
When in conversation, while women seek communication and emotional connection with other women, men choose “status” in a process one upping one another. It is here that I disagree somewhat with Tannen. My experience with students is that girls also try to one up one another particularly when they feel threatened by another female student regarding popularity, etc. I also hear from women students when they transferred to our school which is coed from a girls’ single sex school that girls can be tough on girls. There is a great deal of research on which context is best, single sex or coeducation. We know the research that says that women bosses can be tough on women colleagues more so than men.
Tannen’s research indicates that when a woman and a man run for political office, the voters have to both like the woman and agree with her policies while men running for office don’t need to be liked by the voters as long as they agree with their policies. They may help to explain part of Trump’s appeal.
According to the research men or women will ask a man for advice when they want a straightforward honest answer. Men or women will ask a woman for advice when they want the best thinking of the individual but nuanced in such a way that it is supportive of the individual asking the question.
There is much discussion around transgender people. Should they have to compete with their identity at birth or their new identity as a transgender person? Should there be physical changes made to someone who is below the age of 18? Should the parents be consulted? Are pronouns which are important to the individual or is that something that seems to trivialize an important issue?
We know that transgender people will get “voice coaching” to have a voice that matches their transgender identity.
But I think that there is one area that has not gotten enough attention and that is styles of communication. If styles of communication are important to people who identify with their birth identity, does the transgender person’s communication style change to help them to understand someone who identifies as transgender male or female? Tannen’s whole premise is based on the cultural impact on how to understand the men’s and women’s communication style if you are a transgender male or transgender female. Do. the same cultural rules apply? It seems to me that transgender people should benefit from the same kind of research that is available to non-transgender people.
Expectation is key. As I mentioned in my family of origin, my father was much more the emotional connector, “How are you doing?” My mother was what and how did you do in school today? She was tough and was good at confrontation. Hence, that was her gift to me as I have always been comfortable confrontation. In a good many families it is the reverse of this!
Comments